We Need A Hero?

As a kid, I loved superheroes. Superman has always been one of my favorite ones, along with Spider-Man, Batman and the Flash, just to name a few.

But a few foolish comic book fanboys, with their love of spandex, have decided to don superhero costumes and patrol the streets to protect citizens by making the bad guys stop in their tracks and wet themselves from laughing too hard.

As you can see from the FOX News clip from YouTube, these misguided, yet well-intention, souls have thought it would be a good idea to fight crime in colorful Halloween costumes. And let me tell you something about that.

Do you guys know why Batman, a guy who wears dark colors, made Robin wear bright yellows and reds for his uniform when they go out at night to fight crime? Just to make the bad guys shoot at the hapless and brightly colored Boy Wonder-target while Batman runs away. So while wearing a bright costume in the comics and in the movies looks really cool, in real life it just makes you a walking shooting gallery.



Sure, I spent hours as a kid dreaming about having superpowers. Who hasn’t? Who wouldn’t want to fly like Superman or have super strength? To have x-ray vision and look at that hot girl across the bar to only find out she's really a hairy guy in drag?

Now, not to demonize all of these nuts, some of them use their powers costumes to good use. A lot of them help out in children’s charities and that’s commendable work. But for those who think it’s a good idea to wear spandex and fight crime needs to see if Paxil is right for them.

If these nonsuper-powered idiots want to fight crime or help others, they could be real heroes and become police officers, paramedics or firefighters. The world needs more of these self-sacrificing heroes. But running around in a cape and mask will only get themselves and the people they’re trying to protect harmed or killed.

Doing dangerous, stupid stunts, no matter what their intentions are, by people who have a fetish for wearing their underwear outside of their clothes really burns my invulnerable bacon.

Campaign Brings Out
The Ugliness In People

Sadly, most presidential campaigns strongly bring out the ugly bias in voters and supporters of the candidates, but this election year, it just seems more so.

A John McCain supporter actually hung a ghost from his tree with “Obama” written on it.

And a Barack Obama supporter actually made a display with mannequin dressed as John McCain in KKK garb, chasing an Obama mannequin. And sadly, these are just two cases out of many.

And then we have vile, unsupported claims by “supporters” that Obama is not an American and he’s a Muslim or that McCain is so old, he’ll die in office.

This type of behavior is not only beyond childish, but it’s disrespectful to both candidates.

And worst of all, it’s a huge distraction from the real issues. Political bias is a very powerful and deadly tool when it’s wielded in a loyal, delusional supporter’s hand. They create unneeded controversy and fiery among other political supporters.

It’s bad enough that the candidates use the old magician’s trick of misdirection, by not talking about the issues in detailed but attacking their opponent instead.

But to actually depict both Obama and McCain in KKK stylings or to disgrace them in any other manner is repugnant. And these party-blinded fools do not even realize that they are hurting their own candidate’s reputation and good standing with the public.

Neither candidate in his right mind wants to be associated with a prejudice mental idiot who thinks it’s a good idea to use racism to get their point across.

Sadly, every year during election time, either from local campaigns or major ones, it just seems that some supporters actually sink lower and lower in to the political quagmire. And sometimes, it seems as if they have sunk even lower than the candidates themselves.

It’s only strong people who can look beyond these disgusting misdeeds and only judge the candidates based on their character and not on the political assassination attempts by some of the few moronic supporters of the candidates.

China’s First Spacewalk,
Who Cares?

This is getting some play in the media and I think the Associated Press quote down below gives it best in a nutshell:

“A Chinese astronaut on Saturday performed the nation’s first-ever spacewalk, the latest milestone in an ambitious program that is increasingly rivaling the United States and Russia in its rapid expansion,” the Associated Press reported.

Excuse me a second when I laugh. “… increasingly rivaling the United States and Russia in its rapid expansion.”

Really? Is China’s space program really going to rival that of the U.S. and Russia because it finally had its first spacewalk? But more importantly, it shouldn’t be getting this much play.

After all, both Russia and the U.S. had their first spacewalk in 1965. But considering China’s love affair with restricting basic human rights and what not, I guess waiting 43 years to catch up to two other world superpowers would be consider “rapid expansion.”

Congratulating China on achieving its first spacewalk nearly half a century behind the rest of the world is like congratulating modern day extreme Muslim clerics for admitting that raped women are victims and shouldn’t be stoned to death.

Sure, maybe I’m being a bit too harsh. For a country that has swamped America and the world with cheap and poorly made products by workers with little to no basic rights and tainted baby milk, China may start to flood the stratosphere with space bicycles and floating sweatshops.

While it’s commendable that China is reaching for the stars, for that is where humans are destine to go, it’s a little late in the day to congratulate it for doing something that has been done repeatedly for more than 40 years now.

The only way China could impress me is if they could get the first man on the moon. Oh, wait …

Watching Sports
With McCain, Obama?

This burns my bacon. A poll found that people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than John McCain.

Who cares? And more importantly, it makes my skin crawl to know there are some people who believe this really matters.

Because do you know there are some people out there who actually will vote for a candidate because he seems like a good guy to watch a game with? Or there are some people who will vote for McCain or Obama because they live in the same state as the candidates, or the same age, or even have the same skin color?

It’s times like this that those radical right-wing militia groups actually make a lot sense by hiding out in the woods and wait for the American government to collapse on itself.

You know what? I could care less if Obama enjoys kicking little old ladies down some stairs or that McCain likes to watch naked farm animals in his underwear. I don’t care if they both have secret sleepovers with each other and watch the Philadelphia Eagles get creamed as they polish their toenails.

Because it doesn’t matter what these people’s personalities are. I don’t want these people to be my friends. I want them fixing the economy and blowing away terrorists before they attack Americans or other innocents first.

But no, nothing is practical anymore. We have to have candidates that appear to be our friends to make us interested in them. Sure, it would be great if a candidate is naturally polite and nice, but that doesn’t mean he can get the job done.

There are so truly mean S.O.B.s out there who know what they’re doing and they’re good at it. They don’t get all touchy, feely and ask how your weekend was, but they make damn sure the company doesn’t go under.

Folks, can we just stick with picking the guy who knows what he’s doing, or at least appears to be, instead of choosing a guy who might make a good drinking buddy? We’re only talking about electing the leader of the free world, after all.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything lately, but things have been so busy. It's not easy updating a blog or even finding something witty to talk about.

Although, there was one thing I wanted to discuss, but I'll save it for later.

Thanks for stopping by and hopefully I'll have time to update this over the weekend.

Taking A Mini-Vacation

Well folks, I'll be on a mini vacation. So, if there are any far-sighted editors from such publications like The New York Times or USA Today and are willing to throw large amounts of money for my dribble written works of art, I won't be around here until Wednesday night.

I won't have e-mail or the Internet where I'm going. I hope I won't get the shakes since I'm a news junkie. Like last time.

‘Tis NOT The Season

Do you know what burns my bacon? I’ve seen Christmas advertisements already and it’s not even September.

Really, are stores that desperate for the all mighty dollar that they keep pushing back the Christmas Season?

Whoever the marketing “genius” is who thought this up needs to have a Nutcracker in his Christmas balls.

Advertising for Christmas when it’s still summer time makes about as much sense to me as shaving Santa Claus’ beard off and putting him on Weight Watchers and changing his name to Don Knotts!

The Christmas Season should start on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. In fact, I will vote for any candidate who is willing to make it a federal law that companies aren’t allow to push their Christmas merchandise until Black Friday. The penalty is listening to bad Christmas songs while drinking curdled eggnog.

And let’s add something else to that federal law: People need to take down their Christmas decorations by New Year’s Day. Christmas lights are like dirty underwear: No one wants to see them on your front yard come St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, both are very festive and multi colored, but there is a time and place for everything.

We all know about supply and demand, but there can’t be that many people who really need to have that ceramic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that poops chocolate while its nose blinks “The 12 Days Of Christmas” in Morse code when it’s 90 degrees outside. If so, these people need to see their doctor and ask if Paxil is right for them.

But I’m not a Scrooge. I love the winter holidays. I honestly love hearing the Christmas music playing nonstop on some radio stations and I love looking at the decorations. In fact, the gaudier the better.

I was even thinking of placing some very decorative mistletoe on my belt buckle when I’m invited to my friend’s house this December for his annual Christmas party. I’m sure his wife will get a kick out of it, but I may reconsider since my friend has a nice collection of hunting guns and a long sword on his living room wall.

After all, I don’t want my holly jollies shot off and slice into little pieces to be given out to Santa’s reindeer on Christmas Eve.

Stopping Men From Staring At Girls?

I can’t believe this actually happened. A 20-year-old Eastern Kentucky University girl was enjoying a Sunday trip at the mall when she was asked by a security guard to leave because older women were complaining that their husbands were checking out her short dress, according to The Richmond Register.

You know, this reminds me of the time that I visited my old high school, while new additions were being built onto it. I was given an impromptu tour by an old teacher and he showed me and my best friend, who was with me, one of the new classrooms.

The classroom had such a hideous color painted on its walls that my mind has prevented me from truly recall what the color was. I think it might have been a combination of black, purple and charcoal black, if it’s possible.

Anyway, I asked my tour guide why in the world would the school decide to use a color that made puke green warm and friendly. He told me with a straight face that studies showed that it would prevent young, male teens from checking out the girls and would help them concentrate on their studies.

I told him there wasn’t a color that would stop any teen guy from trying to look up a girl’s skirt or down her shirt. He basically agreed with me and I could tell that he thought the idea was stupid too.

Just like it’s stupid in making a security guard to escort a college girl out of a mall because a couple of husbands were enjoying the view. And it’s something that apparently women haven’t been able to figure out yet, at least these old biddies.

From Albert Einstein to the guy who can’t understand the complexities of “No shoes, No service,” all men enjoy looking at women, either clothed or nude. We can’t help it. We could be married to a tattoo-, STD-free Pamela Anderson who is 15 years younger and it wouldn’t stop us from looking at the young checkout girl at a food store who is handling our huge cucumbers and placing them in the grocery bag. And hey, we don’t care if it’s paper or plastic!

Each one of us has a man-pig inside who roars a primitive howl of approval if we even see so much as a hint of anything from an attractive woman. Maybe it’s a reproductive gene that helps us to mate with our species and help populate the planet.

But surely you women can understand this biological need in men to stare at other women. Sure, we have beautiful wives or girlfriends, but to put it in terms that you can understand, you have a great pair of shoes at home. But you have an irresistible need to look at nearly 50 identical ones at 20 different stores and buying at least three pair and bringing them home. Sadly, most of us men don’t have that luxury of bringing home a new girl from the mall. It’s simply not fair to us men and it’s actually quite sexist I think.

But if you don’t want your husbands or boyfriends from checking out the new models, then you need to leave them at home. We don’t have that much self-control. In fact, you women are lucky we don’t whip it out and urinate on a mannequin at J. Crew!

If you want your guys to stop looking at these young, tender college students, who may or may not have appeared on “Girls Gone Wild,” then put blinders on them. Actually, that won’t work, so just gouge their eyes out. On second thought, that still won’t stop a man from fantasizing about looking at a beautiful woman.

Sorry ladies, but you’ll just have to lobotomize your man the next time you want him to take you to the mall.

No More North Pole?
Run For Your Lives!

This burns my bacon and it has nothing to do with someone driving a huge SUV.

At the end of June, it was reported that scientists believe that the ice caps on the North Pole will melt away by this September, according to National Snow and Ice Data Center in Boulder, Colo., as reported by CNN.

But this week The Times of India ran a story about a professor from the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey saying that Santa Claus will have to trade in his famous red, warm coat for some Speedos by 2013. Huh?

Hopefully, this will show many how imprecise predicting the end of the world is, or at least the top of it.

Now there are many causes to the North Pole losing ice, everything from natural cow gas to gasoline-run SUVs. No one, despite what a certain former vice president has said, can point a finger to any one thing and say, “Ah ha, that’s it right there. That’s causing the Earth to heat up faster than a high school boy looking at his first stripper.”

Sure, I’ve never been a big fan of the man-made global warming theory. But that makes people foolishly believe that I’m all about dumping my trash in park streams and making a yellow stream in the ocean.

I’m all about common sense. I’m all for alternative, reliable (and I can’t stress that word enough) sources of energy. I think as Americans we have to kick the oil habit. If anything, we shouldn’t have foreign countries holding us by our collective globes every time we want a little oil and having them squeeze a little harder just to price gouge us to death.

I’m also for drilling for oil, whether it’s off our coasts or in Alaska. If the fish and caribou don’t like it, then they’ll have to suck it up and deal with it. And that goes for PETA and Greenpeace too. I don’t think Americans should suffer any more just because a few people don’t want to inconvenience some mating caribou. And even if we drill for oil and we have only a million barrels to show for it in five to 10 years, well, that’s just a million less that Saudi Arabia can’t use to make us into their oil whores.

Listen folks, we had scientists back in the 1970s who were claiming that by the 1990s all of America would be in the middle of an ice age and guess what? The 1990s came and went and there was no ice age. So it’s a little hard to get all excited over about global warming with that type of track record.

(To read my other editorials and columns about global warming, please click here.)

No Mercy For Killers

Do you know what burns my bacon? Death row inmates who complain that the method of their execution is cruel and unusual.

Take Richard Cooey for example. Old Richie was sentenced to death for raping and murdering two women in 1986. He’s supposed to get a lethal injection, without the lollypop, on Oct. 14.

However, Cooey is 267 pounds soaking wet in meat gravy and he claims that the lethal injection process would make it hard to find his veins because of his fatness. He also claims that he’s taking a drug for migraine headaches and that could affect the lethal injection process.

Let that sink in for a second. He’s worried that his headache medication would affect the lethal injection. I figure the lethal injection would be more effective in ridding his migraine headaches than his medication.

Now, anyone who rapes two women and murders them deserves to die right away. There should be no appeals for monsters like them, such as Vince Weiguang Li, who allegedly cut off a man’s head he was sitting next to on a Canadian bus and started to eat the hacked off pieces of his former passenger.

Tell me, how can you rehabilitate Li who allegedly lopped of a man’s head and started snacking on? The answer is you can’t. What are you going to do, roll up a newspaper and smack him on the nose every time he reaches out to someone during dinner time?

While Li’s alleged atrocities did not happen on U.S. soil, it wouldn’t take much to imagine what would happen to him if it did: Found guilty by insanity and pumped full of drugs for the rest of his life in a rubber room. But that’s still not good enough.

Why should tax dollars keep killers alive? After all, there are murderers who have been either sentenced to life in prison or they clog up the court systems with appeals to save their worthless hides from Old Needle. And I’m not talking about people who claim to be innocent. I’m talking about Cooey and the Jeffrey Dahmers of the world who have human hearts in their freezer next to the Breyers’ Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream. (Hey, even cannibals must enjoy a sweet frozen treat every once in awhile.)

The only way these animals should be left alive is to study them and discover some unknown gene that makes them into monsters and try to either reverse their murderous nature or find ways of screening people and treating them before they turns into killers.

But if this medical study won’t be done, then executing them is the only answer. There is no rehabilitation for people like Cooey, Dahmer or even Li if he is guilty of his savage acts. And having tax payers keeping murderers alive should not be an option either.

And I don’t want to hear the heart-bleeding old saying, “If you kill them, then you are just as guilty of they are.” B.S. That is a weak argument because killers murder innocent people. These animals aren’t innocent by a long shot.

And there is another argument to capital punishment: It doesn’t deter crime. It might not deter all murderers, but it makes damn sure that there are no repeat offenders.

NY Times Attacks McCain
For Defending Himself

I want to say this burns my bacon, but to be honest, it explodes it.

The New York Times’ editorial board wrote an opinion piece about Barack Obama accusing John McCain and President Bush of using or planning on using racial scare tactics. But while many would think that they would go after Obama, they instead attack John McCain for firing back at Obama’s false accusations.

First, they claim that McCain’s attack ad of comparing Obama with drunken celebrity Britney Spears was a “racially tinged attack” on the Illinois senator. How they make this great leap of illogic, The New York Times makes a weak case for it.

While there has been no real evidence that McCain has or will use race against Obama, The New York Times decides to paint him guilty of racial attacks anyway by associating the Arizona senator with a few dirty Republicans who allegedly used a racial attack on black Senator candidate Harold Ford in Tennessee in 2006. The ads against Ford “juxtaposed” him with white women, according to The New York Times.

However, the only ad that I could find that’s against Ford isn’t a racial attack at all and it’s still a weak comparison with McCain’s ad, because if you’re going to sleazily compare a presidential candidate with an airhead celebrity, who better than Britney Spears? It seems like a good case of The New York Times seeing things that aren’t there.

Is John McCain's political ad a racial attack against Obama? The New York Times seems to think so.

And instead of attacking Obama for his obvious and false racial assault on not only McCain but President Bush, The New York Times goes after McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis when he defensively said, “Barack Obama has played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck.”

Now, it’s interesting that The New York Times doesn’t have a problem with, “You know, he’s not patriotic enough, he’s got a funny name, you know, he doesn’t look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills,” but they’re having kittens over what Davis said.

Because according to The New York Times, Davis’ statement conjures up a “loaded racial image” of Robert Shapiro during the famous O.J. Simpson murder case when he said, “Not only did we play the race card, we dealt it from the bottom of the deck.”

The Joker deals from the bottom of the deck. Is he a criminally insane racist?

But isn’t that what Obama did? He blatantly played that card and it was from the bottom of the deck because it was a low thing to do to accuse our nation’s president and another politician of using racial scare tactics and don’t offer any solid proof.

The New York Times not only kicked John McCain when he was down after being falsely accused of being a racist by his political opponent, but they stomped on him for trying to defend himself from Obama’s baseless attacks.

It’s bad enough that they turn a blind eye against Obama’s despicable statements, but they also made a feeble argument that McCain will use racial attacks simply because he is guilty by association because of what fellow Republicans allegedly did in Tennessee.

This sadly certainly gives credence to what many McCain supporters have been saying about Obama: He’s a Teflon candidate that the media simply loves too much to be objective with.

But more importantly, The New York Times just destroyed its own credibility when they attacked a victim and not the attacker.

Body Language Experts
Should Zip Their Lips On Candidates

Do you know what burns my bacon? People who put too much attention to insignificant things like a presidential candidate’s body impression.

Body language experts believe that presumed presidential nominees Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama are strong characters because of how they carry themselves.

For example, because McCain “stands firmly and holds onto the sides of a podium,” he represents stability, according to these experts, while Obama’s casual walk shows that he’s a strong leader.

But for all we know, McCain is hanging on to that podium for dear life because we all know that old people break their hips as often as they take bathroom trips during the middle of the night.

And Obama’s easy stroll? Of course he walks that way. A fast moving politician makes people nervous!

And would these candidates’ speeches, policies and voting records be any different if they never looked up from their well-prepared notes to look at their audience or having their arms crossed, which according to many body language experts, is a sign of a barrier between others. Of course not.

It’s like when conservatives complain that Obama doesn’t wear an American flag pin or when liberals lovingly mention how McCain had an affair while his first wife was faithful while he was a POW. These are all non-issues that shouldn’t concern voters.

Many voters are like children with ADD. They’re easily distracted from the real issues from stupid things like affairs, flag pins and how they walk.

Thankfully, we didn’t have these insightful body experts back in the day, or George Washington wouldn’t have been our first president because of his famed wooden teeth or FDR wouldn’t have been elected because these experts believe his inability to walk gracefully would show that he wasn’t a strong leader.

Personally, the only time I want to hear from a body language expert is when he or she notices a nervous twitch in any of the candidates’ index fingers. I don’t want World War III to start because of an uncontrolled muscle spasm in a finger that’s next to that little red nuclear button. But that’s just me.

Women Having Sex With Teens?
No Big Deal!

Do you know what burns my bacon?

When some people are honestly shocked and outraged when some teen-aged boy has sex with a woman and actually feel this will scar the kid for life.

Angela Honeycutt, which sounds like a bad Bond girl’s name, is charged for allegedly exposing herself to teen-aged boys at a sleepover and having sexual contact with them.

So, yes, we can all see how this would scar a young, strapping male teen with raging hormones.

Now, let’s say Ms. Honeycutt allegedly did what police are charging her with. I can tell you now the police didn’t find out about her little Show-And-Do because Little Johnny woke up screaming in a cold sweat from a nightmare over the incident.

Just like many teen-aged boys, Little Johnny, or in this cases Johnnies, bragged about having some type of sex with a 38-year-old woman from Lower Makefield, Pa. And if you ever been to Lower Makefield, that’s actually one of the few highlights that are available there.

If Ms. Honeycutt is guilty, then she has joined a seemingly growing number of women, mostly teachers, who have been charged with the laughable crime of statutory rape of male minors. And yes, it is laughable because in some of these cases these women aren’t exactly forcing themselves onto these willingly teen-aged boys.

While the man-pig in me roars its ugly head in approval of a male teen having sex with an attractive woman, simply because it’s just about every schoolboy’s fantasy of being with a teacher or female adult, the parent side of me realizes that this does send a wrong message to male teens. But what message should be given to these Ron Jeremy wanna-bes?

Well, sitting Little Johnny down and telling him that having sex with a hot woman with years of experience is wrong and that he should wait for someone he truly loves isn’t going to cut it. And neither is telling him to write a letter to Penthouse. (Sorry, the man-pig in me suggested that one.)

Now, what you have to do is scare the ever-living sh!t out of Little Johnny. How to do that? If he actually had sex with the woman, telling him he got her knocked up might work, but not likely. Getting a woman pregnant rarely stops some guys from acting irresponsible, no matter how old they are.

The best way is by lying through your teeth and saying that the woman has the most horrible form of sexually transmitted disease that it would make the Black Plague look like a case of the sniffles.

This will cause either one or two healthy choices from the young Casanova: Either he’ll cool his jets and wait until he’s old enough to use better judgment or two, he’ll be using protection.

Because the reality is, an average teen-aged boy having sex with an “older” woman is not going to emotionally scar him, but he is too stupid to realize the circumstances of his actions. So to be on the safe side, showing him some slide shows of a hooker riddled with STDs might work better than a cold shower.

Voting Goes To The Dogs

Do you know what burns my bacon? Idiot voters who only support a candidate for stupid reasons.

For example, an AP-Yahoo! News poll found that pet owners support presumed Republican Presidential candidate John McCain because he has two dogs, a cat, two turtles, a ferret, three parakeets and a lot of fish. I believe this is known as the Noah Complex.

But on the other side, the poll said that non-pet owners, or also known as “liberators” according to PETA, favor the assumed Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama because of his lack of fuzzy beasts.

What really burns my bacon is what Janet Taylor of Plymouth, Mass., said about this issue.
“I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person ―­­­­ caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners,” she stated.

Who can make that giant leap of illogic? McCain has seven children. In my book, having children trumps having pets. You would think that caring for small human beings would make you more trustworthy and compassionate.

Besides, I don’t have any pets and I would like to get some, but I already have two children. That should count for something. Sure, they don’t go on the carpet or keep me awake at night baying at the moon, but they do make messes and I have to take them for walks. And I just can’t give them to the animal shelter if I get tired of them. Trust me, I’ve tried.

But it’s just not pet owners who may vote for a candidate because they share a need to get licked in the face by an animal that cleans its own testicles with its tongue. My grandmother remembers watching on TV that a woman was going to vote for Dwight Eisenhower just because he had the same operation as her husband.

In fact, columnist Gary Kamiya said he is going to vote for Obama simply because he’s half black.
“I admit it: I’m voting for Barack Obama because he’s black,” Kamiya wrote. “… But if he weren’t black, and Hillary had opposed the war, I’d probably vote for her because of her greater experience.”

Kamiya isn’t the only one who will vote for Obama because of his skin color. And sadly, the opposite is true because many white voters support McCain because of his race. All pretty racist stuff, but interesting how the former seems to be more acceptable than the latter. But that’s a different topic for another day. But it’s not OK to vote for Obama just because he’s black or McCain because he’s white. That’s racist no matter how you slice it.

The point here is that people who vote for a candidate because they have a pet, or have the same operation or even skin color, not to mention being in the same political party, should scare everyone. Because these are not thinking, rational people.

These are people who probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote if they are choosing a candidate to be the most powerful person of the world over trivial things.

It makes you wonder where this country is heading if a voter’s only decision about how qualified a candidate might be is if he carries a pooper scooper. Although, since a candidate is a politician in D.C. with a pooper scooper, it doesn’t necessarily mean he owns a dog.

Originally posted on Friday, July 11, 2008

Barbie's S&M Headline Misleading?

Do you know what burns my bacon? Media sensationalism just to sell a few newspapers and extreme Christian groups that try to suck the fun out of life; so yeah, there’s a double-bonus of bacon burning in this edition’s column.

First, the headline from the U.K.’s The Sun reads, “S&M Barbie lashed by public.” But once you read the story, you find out that Mattel is really releasing a Barbie doll that is dressed like the DC comics superhero Black Canary. They have previously released a Barbie version of fellow DC comics heroines Batgirl, Wonder Woman and Supergirl, just to name a few.

Granted, Black Canary does dress in leather and fishnet stockings, so it’s really not a real S&M look she has, but more of a biker-stripper look going on. This may not ease a lot of parents, but considering that Wonder Woman has been parading around in her star-spangled panties for more than 65 years, Black Canary’s outfit is an improvement and covers more.

Now considering that the U.K. is famous for its S&M outlet stores, clubs and such games as, Whip The Donkey’s Tail, it is understandable why The Sun thought a superhero might have been one of former New York Democratic Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s call girls. But with the Internet and Wikipedia around, it would be a simple search to find out if Black Canary was really into S&M or she just wears her leather outfit just to annoy PETA.

Sensationalism has no place in journalism, but sadly, shoddy publications do make room for it.
But now we come to the other half of the bacon burning: The Christian side.

“Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far. A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth,” stated the religious group Christian Voice, as reported by The Sun.

Yes, it can’t be denied that everyone’s favorite plastic, blonde doll does dress like a tart, maybe a bit slutty at times. Hell, she looks like a hooker in some of the outfits that I’ve put her in.
Besides, even if parents are going to buy the Black Canary for their daughter, I would like to think a young girl at that age doesn’t know about such things as S&M.

But these extreme Christian groups have to remember that most little girls usually take Barbie’s clothes off faster than G.I. Joe on shore leave anyway. So having her in fishnet stockings isn’t that much of a big deal.

Originally posted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Muslims Outraged Over Puppy?

Do you know what really burns my bacon? Diversity. Let me clarify that. I hate how we’re told we’re supposed to be accepting to other people’s cultures, but these same cultural people don’t do the same.

Over in jolly old Scotland, the police at a local town made an ad announcing their new phone number, which features a cute puppy on a police officer’s hat.

Local Muslims were upset because they consider a dog unclean. Wow, no kidding? You mean an animal that sniffs another animal’s butt, drinks out of the toilet bowl and licks its own testicles is unclean? Well, pick my nose and call me snot finger, I didn’t know that!

However, the puppy wasn’t doing any of those offensive things in the ad.

What I found to be offensive and unclean about the whole affair is how closed-minded the Muslims are about this. They are in another country with new customs to learn. They simply can’t throw a hissy fit every time they encounter something that is a cultural shellshock.

In fact, when I go to visit my wife’s family in Japan, I don’t expect anyone in the country to bend over backwards just to accommodate me and make sure I’m not offended. Even though I love the country, there are many things I don’t like about it either.

For example, one year we went to a hot spring resort and one night I decided to take a dip before bed. Already, I wasn’t comfortable with how you have to be naked in the baths with other men. But what I found really offensive was how some young men would pose together, with their privates flying about all merrily, as someone was taking a picture. It made me wonder if this was Japan’s version of “Deliverance.” Thankfully, no one made me squeal like a pig.

Another thing that offends me is when my wife eats a Japanese bean paste food that smells like old gym socks. In fact, even her brother agrees with me and he doesn’t like it either.

But I didn’t go running to the authorities or make a huge fuss over these two things. Why? Because I know that if you’re living in a different part of the world or living with someone from a different part of the world, you have to let them have their customs and traditions.

And that’s what the Muslims in Scotland have to understand. It’s a cute picture of a dog. If it was a picture of a dog eating out of a maggot-infested garbage can, it would be a different story.
In fact, most of us in the States might even be more considerate to the Muslims in Scotland if they were complaining about the popular Scottish dish haggis.

But the moral of the story is this: If you choose to live in a different part of the world and you’re not happy with the customs, either suck it up and deal with it like a mature adult or go back home.

Originally posted on Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Hating Reality TV

When the “reality” TV show “Survivor” came into our lives in 2000 and similar shows followed, I told a friend that I couldn’t wait for this fad to be over with.

After all, these are just game shows with drama. With a lot of heavy editing, maybe creating drama that isn’t there such as a producer tells Contestant A that Contestant B said she was fat, and catching the right moment when someone burst into tears (and they always burst into tears), all this allegedly makes good TV, especially when you add the ingredient of excitement.
And most are just game shows, because there is a prize to be won. Even like “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette,” where you can win love and a fellow human being in only a matter of weeks while millions watch.

But now most of the major stations have their own variety of reality TV. Over on E! we have “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” which is about the supermodel and her family.
If we’re lucky, we get to see a lot of crying and cursing, Kim Kardashinan in a bikini and her stepfather, former U.S. Olympic champion Bruce Jenner, who had so many facelifts he looks more like a corpse who walked out of his own viewing.

Then we have TLC, formally known as The Learning Channel. It was once a great station about educational programming, until The Discovery Channel bought it and slowly made it into a reality TV-packaged whore.

While once we were treated to how the Earth might have formed, now TLC gives us mind-numbing shows about a couple with eight screaming kids living out their lives, a bikini designer trying to make a go of her business and some new show about the drama of selecting the perfect wedding dress.

Listen, this garbage isn’t reality TV. When I come home at night, I don’t have 10 beautiful girls throwing themselves at me and my wife doesn’t make me hang from the ceiling as I eat a plate of spiders for money.

I’m just amazed that these shows that seem to suck the self-worth out of American society have lasted this long, but I’m sure networks are eternally grateful that most of the TV viewing public isn’t like me.

If people want reality TV, then they should change this dribble off and watch the news. People getting blown up, Supreme Court making decisions that will affect our lives, people donating to worthy causes. That’s real reality TV.

It might not always be glamorous, but there is a lot of drama and suspense, which many Americans seem to crave if that’s why they watch these shows. But the news isn’t shallow and makes us wonder what happen to our priorities and dignity after we’re done watching it.

Tis The Summer Season …

Tomorrow is the official day that summer begins. And there are many signs of summer, such as men fishing, kids swimming, women sunbathing, and the nice warm weather.
But we also see some seasonal creatures, such as fireflies, mosquitoes, and global warming alarmists.

Yes, very much like a bastardized version of Punxsutawney Phil, as soon as it gets hot, these people poke their heads out and scream that it’s man’s fault for a heat wave. Never mind the fact that it’s summer and it’s common.

While we don’t see these alarmists during the winter months when it is 20 degrees and a foot of snow outside, we do hear their counterparts saying how cold it is. Fortunately, for us we don’t hear the winter moaners blaming man for the snow and ice. Yet.

Yes, get those earmuffs back out because you will need them. Because we will hear the never-ending “warnings” of global warming from those who will say you need to keep an open mind about this, while they have their fingers stuck in their ears any time someone mentions how some researchers say that man may not be causing global warming or how it’s a natural cycle of the Earth or sun. Certainly not a very mature way of handling the topic.

Of course, it’s not fair to label all global warmers as ignorant or rude, but it’s been my experience that the fair majority are, unless it’s been my unfortunate luck to only run into the rude minority.

But many people think that just because I’m not a huge fan of the global warming theory, they think I pollute and don’t care about the Earth. Nonsense.

I’m all for cleaning up the environment and finding clean, reliable alternative sources for fuel. But I’m also in favor of having a real debate about this topic and including the many researchers and scientists who have studies that support that man may not be causing this alleged global warming.

What’s the matter with hearing two objective sides to this debate? Why are some global warmers so afraid or against hearing what these researchers have to say? When eating prunes, is three enough or is four too many?

Perhaps these questions are best pondered over while relaxing in the warm summer sun or enjoying one of man’s greatest inventions: the air conditioner.

Originally posted on Friday, June 20, 2008.

Stupid Teachers Strike Again

Last month, school officials at El Camino High School and highway patrol officers decided to use their lack of collective wisdom and lied to students that several of their peers died in car accidents.

Several students at the Oceanside, Calif., school were shocked and hysterical when told the “news”. However, they didn’t learn the truth until hours later that it was a scare-straight exercise to show the dangers of drinking and driving.

Their grief turned into outrage when they discovered the idiotic ruse when their “dead” friends did a Lazarus impression.

Obviously, school and police officials are defending their thoughtless actions and students and parents are outraged.

And instead of driving home how dangerous drinking is, these idiots furthered the popular teen belief that adults can’t be trusted.

Way to go. Instead of being truthful, these morons shattered a very important trust that young people need as they swim through the uncertain waters of adolescence.

School and police officials really need to reconsider how to help students without making them feel like they can’t go to someone of authority.

With the many problems that students have, from bad grades, an unstable family, sex, and drugs, what today’s youth don’t need are officials, who are supposed to be the go-to-people of problems, who intentionally lie about the deaths of their friends.

Scare-straight programs are great, but not when they traumatize students to the point that it could possibly lead to psychological problems and major trust issues.

It would have been better if the officials presented family and friends of victims of drunk driving and have them tell of the horrific agony that they had to endure. Also, displaying the typical wrecked car from a drunken driving accident is another good visual impression.

But then again, these officials clearly don’t have any common sense if they’re stupid enough to lie to students that their friends died.

Maybe school and police officials can take a class on how to be tactful before they decide to “educate” students by emotionally scarring them for life.

Stereotypes And Hypocrisy

Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver II wrote a great little column today about race and misunderstandings in The Politico today. He says that there should be more open discussion about something that is quite taboo in not only political circles, but in most of our professional lives.

Because for the most part, when we talk about race, we talk about stereotyping. And we all know that stereotyping is wrong, but there is truth to it. Yes, it’s a generalization that has some truth to it.

Here’s a popular stereotype: The Mafia. There. It’s said. Now, how many of you thought of Tony Soprano? The movies “Godfather” or “Goodfellas” pop into anyone’s heads? Sure they did. It’s a popular stereotype that Italians and the Mafia go hand-in-hand like olive oil and wine, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra or a snitch and cement shoes.

It’s ingrained in us to think of Italians when we heard “mafia.” If we’re forced to think of any other nationality, we always hear: The Russian Mafia or the Chinese Mafia. Because the fact is, when we hear “Mafia,” no one thinks of Eskimos.

And to those sensitive Italians out there who think it’s a slur to their heritage, as ¾ guinea myself (OK, according to my father, I’m ¼ Italian and ½ Sicilian. Yeah, it can be a big deal.) I say to you: Suck it up and deal with it!

Yeah, so Italians are associated with a criminal organization that has been glorified by Hollywood. That’s because it’s mostly true. Italians are famous for organized crime. We’re not famous for organized bake sales. Go ask Sammy “The Bull” Gravano or John Gotti.

Does it mean that all Italians are Mafia members? Of course not. Take me for example. Because I’m ½ English on my mother’s side, I wasn’t allowed to join The Family. Sure, I’m glad I don’t have to kill or whack off anyone, but who can beat that tax-free money they make?

And Italians aren’t highlighted well in entertainment media. Take a look at black people: In movies or TV shows, they’re either drug dealers or presidents of big companies.

For Italians in the entertainment industry, we’re either pushing a tomato cart down the street, with a little monkey next to our organ grinder or we’re a Godfather. Not once have we heard Captain James T. Kirk turn to Mr. Spock and say, “Get me geographic specialist Giovanni “Fat Tony” Barbarino.” There is simply no in-between for us.

And speaking of blacks and organs, outside of movies or TV shows the African-American community have a long history of suffering from hideous forms of stereotyping. We hear how black men are involved with crime or being stupid and they rightfully complain about these awful stereotypes.

But it’s also very hypocritical. Not once in all my years have I ever heard a black man complain about the popular stereotype that they have huge penises.

No, not once have I ever heard a black man say, “No, no that’s an awful lie. My penis is so small I could have sex with a Cheerio.”

So, when it comes to race, I think many of us are overly sensitive. Many of us have to accept that some stereotypes are true about our heritage. But more importantly, we shouldn’t judge anyone based on stereotypes, but on the individuals themselves.

Because that sensitivity to non-hateful comments or jokes is not going to help anyone deal and get over race relations.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have stromboli in the oven.

What Does An Obama-Clinton Ticket Mean?

According to recent news reports, the junior Illinois senator beat the junior New York senator for the Democratic Party’s title of presidential nominee.

And now, people in Hillary Clinton’s camp are saying that she is considering to “withholding a formal departure from the race partly to use her remaining leverage to press for a spot on the ticket,” according to the Associated Press.

How well will this settle with Americans, particularly the Democrats? Some Democrats have despised Clinton so much that they would rather see someone else to be Barack Obama’s vice president. Some listed other Democrats for the spot, such as New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson and Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius, just to name a few.

And with the never-ending attacks between Obama and Clinton during the campaign trail, it would be a hard sale to Democratic voters and Republicans, who are not pleased with presumed GOP nominee John McCain, by these two juggernauts. After all, how believable would it be for these two to tell America that they are the right choice for this country after the backstabbing that they have done towards each other?

Sure, they’re not the first candidates to fight and kiss up and share a ticket, but this is certainly one of the dirtiest races that is burned into voters’ recent memories. How do they expect the average voter to forget their never-ending battles? Apparently, some calling for Richardson or Sebelius to be Obama’s vice president aren’t going to forget any time soon.

Another problem with an Obama-Clinton ticket is that some voters from both parties can’t see past skin color and reproductive organs, certainly a sad thing, since we’re in the 21st century. However, this is a clear contrast from other voters who see a ticket like that as an ultimate dream, that the races and sexes are finally equal.

But there are too many negatives for an Obama-Clinton ticket and the Illinois senator must realize this. Obama might do better with selecting a candidate with real global experience in a leadership role, like Richardson, who was U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1997, until he was appointed as U.S. Secretary of Energy in 1998.

As I wrote about before, even former Sen. John Edwards might be a good person to consider. He has the experience of running as vice president and has learned some important lessons from that. He has worked for homeless causes and for education, among other things. Clearly, Richardson and Edwards have more to offer than Hillary Clinton, who has only held one elected leadership title in her professional life.

Although, an Obama-Richardson ticket would be a double shot of minorities for some voters who can’t get beyond race. But a ticket like that would make many have an honest concern on how they would address the illegal immigration debate that is gripping this nation, because of their stance on the issue.

Clearly, Obama has some very tough decisions ahead of him in selecting his vice president. It’s an important job that should not be taken likely. However, choosing Hillary Clinton as his running mate would be like shooting himself in the foot. There is too much emotional and political baggage for weary, war-torn voters to take.

What Obama needs is a candidate that will not only help him on his weaker experiences and also shares his policies, but also has the charisma and promise that he himself has, which has seemingly led him right into the arms of a welcoming Democratic Party as presumed presidential nominee.

Intelligent Design In The Classroom?

Funny man and economics guru Ben Stein’s documentary, “EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed” has once again shined the limelight on intelligent design and if it should be allowed to be taught in the classroom.

Many supporters of the proposed new course believe that students should be made aware of different notions of how man came to be besides evolution. And one can almost see why there needs to be an alternative to evolution, since it has one glaring problem.

The problem with evolution, as well as its many supporters who claim there is scientific research to back it up and de-evolves intelligent design, is that many forget the real name of it: The Theory of Evolution. Yes, it is a theory.

No human, to my knowledge anyway, hanged around the Earth for 4.6 billion years and actually witnessed an ape turn into a man. (Of course, if one is truly interested in researching de-evolution, one only has to go to a local college frat house on a Saturday night to see a group of young males quickly turn into a bunch of drunken monkeys.)

What we have are educated guesses, but that’s all they are. We have no idea how humans came to be and we don’t know how the Earth was formed or even if there was really a big bang. (And let’s not forget that popular “event’s” name folks: the Big Bang Theory.)

Many scientists have a limited understanding of how the universe works, but they hold that understanding as the absolute truth. I always get a chuckle when I read a story about how a group of scientists found a new solar system and what they really have are radio pictures, not actual pictures, of a couple of dots. Or better yet, they see some swirling dust in space and they get so excited to tell us that it’s really a group of planets that are forming that they are nearly wetting themselves.

But no one knows what that dust cloud is. Unless there is a trillion-year-old scientist who has studied and actually saw some dust form into planets, I just can’t get excited over something that I normally use my vacuum cleaner to get rid of. And I actual love astronomy too!

But let’s be grateful that these scientists’ observational skills aren’t put into practice in journalism. For example, if I saw Mr. Jones walking over to Mrs. Smith’s house after her husband left for work and Mr. Jones didn’t come out of the house all day, then I would write a story (without speaking to either Mr. Jones or Mrs. Smith) about a steamy affair between the two of them. If I did that, I would have been fired and for all I know, Mrs. Smith hacked up and cooked Mr. Jones’ body for dinner that night for her husband.

Many at this point are incorrectly thinking that I’m in favor of intelligent design to be taught in the classroom. Sure, I personally believe in intelligent design and in God, but it’s not because of the Bible, which should probably send many born-again Christians either condemning me to Hades or running for the hills.

No, I believe in God because of people with unusual situations. Such as near-death experiences, where a man has briefly died on an operating table and finds himself floating in the air and watching in shock as his doctor is calling for the time of death, only to return to the land of the living and tell his astonishing tale to awestruck medical staff.

Yes, I know how that sounds and many are writing me off as some type of loon, but let’s keep this in perspective: One half of you believe in an all-seeing god who created Earth and the other half of you believe that humans came from apes with no solid evidence.

Now, does this mean I want my little belief in God taught to my son when he goes into the first grade next year? No. I don’t think intelligent design should be forcibly taught in public school, unless there is a course on the study of religions. But to actually teach this as a type of science course contradicts what God is supposed to be about: Faith.

And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the purpose of Sunday School to teach children about God, how He created us and Earth and what His plans are for us?

Do I think evolution and the big bang should be taught in public schools? Sure I do, as long as people remember to put in place that very important word: Theory.

I think other alternative theories based on science should be accepted. In fact, there are a lot of unknowns out there that scientists don’t even bother to study because they think it’s beneath them. And these aren’t true scientists. True scientists have their minds open and explore and search for the truth. If they can’t find it, then they offer different theories so we knuckle-dragging nitwits can have a good variety to choose from and expand our minds; not limiting them to a few popular theories.

Listen, the truth is most of us really don’t have any idea how we got here. For all we know, God could have told some space aliens to use their evolution ray on a group of monkeys. And personally, that’s one of my favorite theories because it takes a funny and critical shot at a lot of those self-righteous supporters of the theory of evolution and intelligent design.

Honors Student Suspended
Because He Bought Candy

Once again, school officials are not as bright as they appear to be.
Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School honor student and class vice president Michael Sheridan was stripped of his title, banned from going to an honors student dinner and suspended.

It wasn’t because he was caught with a bottle of Jim Beam or doing drugs. He wasn’t even caught fooling around with a pretty, young female teacher, which seems to be a very popular after school activity nowadays. Sheridan simply bought candy from a fellow student.

Yes, apparently there is some asinine-militant wellness policy that bans candy sales on school grounds since 2003 and young Sheridan didn’t realize it.

Folks, when kids get into the real world there is going to be a lot going against them from the word “go.”

And with what some of these kids are doing today, from drugs to creating their own little hit lists of who they’re going to shoot, you would think common sense – a wise, unused teaching tool it would seem – would have prevailed in this case before it became national news.

Well, it didn’t but thankfully after a meeting with the superintendent, the school principal and the student’s parents, Sheridan won’t be suspended and he got his title back.